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Let’s talk about sex: Threesomes, orgasms, porn, sexting and more – all your sex questions answered
With Valentine’s Day approaching, our sexperts have been answering your questions from orgasms to sexting and contraception to porn.
Emily Dubberley. Robert Page created The Lovers’ Guide and Loversguide.com and Hella Walkington sex expert.
Here’s what they have to say…
I find it difficult to be satisfied during sex unless I touch myself, but my partner thinks I’m criticising his performance…
HW: I suspect he’s already feeling sensitive about this issue. If you rarely orgasm and only when it’s self-induced, he may be feeling uncertain about his ability to perform sexually.
First off, I recommend a heart-to-heart, explaining that you enjoy sex with him, but your anatomy needs additional stimulation. My top tip for those in your predicament is to invest in We Vibe Vbrators a sex toy for couples.
A vibrating cock ring like Tracey Cox’s Supersex Love Ring (http://www.sarahsdelight.co.uk) will intensify sex for both of you, increasing the intensity of his climax as well as helping him last longer.
By giving you extra time in bed and additional vibrating stimulation, you’ll find his penis is better able to provide the additional clitoral stimulation you’re after.
Is it ever ok to fake it?
RP: Usually this is to protect a partner’s ego. But it is a kind of deception and can be damaging. It’s better to work on achieving orgasm yourself: orgasmic training programmes can help.
There are self-help books, groups and counsellors who specialise in the area or you might find The Lovers’ Guide: Better Orgasms For Women is a good place to start.
If it is only a problem when with your partner, maximise clitoral stimulation during sex through manual or oral stimulation and by adopting positions that help (woman on top).
It’s your orgasm – he doesn’t ‘give’ it to you – though he can certainly help!
My partner wants to introduce another person into our relationship. should I be worried?
ED: It depends on whether you both want another person in your relationship. If so, there’s nothing to worry about, though you must set clear guidelines – agreed with the third party.
Some people enjoy multiple partner relationships. The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton is a great book to help you identify and work through the issues, and Rewriting The Rules by Meg Barker gives an analysis of different relationship types and how they can work.
How far can I go when I touch a man’s bottom during sex?
Getty Images/Image Source
ED: It depends on the man. Some like penetration, some don’t and some would if they could get over the voice in their head saying it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘gay’ (anal stimulation has nothing to do with sexuality – it’s just another erogenous zone to explore).
If your partner likes the idea, use latex gloves and lots of lube (silicone based is best unless you’re using silicone toys, in which case opt for a hybrid like Liquid Silk).
However, if you’re looking at large toys, handle with care and read up on anatomy and technique to make sure you stay safe.
What percentage of the time is it normal for a woman to orgasm through sex?
HW: Sex is such a personal thing that there is no such thing as ‘normal’ – but rest assured, no one has an orgasm every time.
Is there a secret to being great at foreplay?
ED: Use your mouth – to talk to your partner and ask what they enjoy.
Everyone likes oral sex their own way, though making sure teeth are covered by lips during fellatio is basic; and keeping chins stubble free for cunnilingus will avoid chafing.
Use your hands as well as lips and tongue, be enthusiastic and let your lover know you’re enjoying yourself. It’s a case of practising to see what your lover enjoys – a process that can be fun!
My boyfriend is a prude when it comes to anything other than sex. How can I get him to pleasure me?
RP: While some men baulk at oral sex, most find it sexy and more intimate than intercourse. It’s something every man should want to do as a part of satisfying a partner.
If you’ve only been together a while, maybe he hasn’t realised how important this is to you. Tell him how sexy you’d find it and hopefully he’ll take the hint.
If he refuses, you might want to think about whether this is going to be a problem long term. Especially if this is a symptom of his disinterest in satisfying you.
The male and female G-spot
Women, find your G-Spot 2-3 inches up inside you on your anterior wall (the one closest to your belly). In some women this will feel like a raised bump.
You’ll know you’re hitting the spot if it feels sensitive and can make you feel the need to pee.
Ask your man to stimulate yours with a curled finger in a beckoning motion. This can be intensified if he presses down on your stomach.
Men have a fun button, too. There’s a walnut-sized gland 2in up their backstage entrance on the side closest to the middle of the body.
You can stimulate it by applying pressure to his perineum (the area between his balls and bum) or if you’re brave, inserting a lubricated finger.
Is it true that if you get sperm in your eye it will burrow in?
ED: Rylan thought so on CBB, but there’s no danger of that. But semen in the eye can cause alkaline burns which lead to redness and stinging.
Still, the ‘facial’ is popular in porn and there’s no harm in a partner ejaculating over your lips, cheeks or forehead (as long as his aim is good and you have tissues).
I don’t feel comfortable with sexting, but my boyfriend loves it, what do I do?
RP: Find a level of texting you feel happy with and that wouldn’t be too embarrassing should someone see it.
Treat it as a challenge and decide your boundaries – that way you can share something that could be fun for him and not too worrying for you.
I think my husband is faking it – when I look at the condom after sex I don’t see any evidence. Is that possible? Is there any way I can tell if he is pretending?
ED: Why are you looking at the condom? Trust is a basic part of good sex and if your man says he’s come, it’s best to believe him – unless you have other reasons to doubt him.
Different men ejaculate different volumes and porn often presents an unrealistic view.
In reality, it’s a teaspoon or less (particularly if he’s masturbated or you have lots of sex) so may not be that noticeable.
However, a red flush of the chest, heightened breathing and pulse racing, and – after a little while – a softening penis are all good indicators of orgasm.
My man’s asked me to lick him ‘back there’. Is it safe?
RP: Considering the actual act brings about Marmite-like polar divisiveness. Some people love it, others (at least strongly believe they will) hate it, and avoid it like the plague.
As long as the area is fully clean, it can be pleasurable for the giver and very arousing for the receiver, given the highly sensitive nerve endings in that area. In terms of safety, the answer is, with a clean partner who is entirely STI free, it should be OK.
Realistically, though, this area is also much more prone to the transmittal of bacteria and infection, including E. Coli, Hep C, HPV and chlamydia, so the risks are higher.
To be safer, you could use a dental dam – a square of latex that you put over his sphincter – which protects you from actual contact.
I feel really dirty after sex, is it rude to have a shower straight away?
HW: With all of that hot body-on-body action and the associated fluids, no one can blame you for wanting to clean up after sex.
The trouble is it doesn’t quite match up with our biochemical expectations for post-coital activities. Sex releases a surge of oxytocin, better known as the ‘cuddle hormone’, that makes most people want to curl up together and touch.
Good hygiene is encouraged after sex, it helps keep your body healthy and eliminates the possibility of waking up to a stale bedroom. Strike a compromise and spend some afterglow time with your partner.
Then if you absolutely can’t wait to clean up, try running a bath before sex and inviting your partner to join you après for a romantic soak.
How long can a typical erection last?
RP: In your teens and 20s, an erection should last as long as you want it to. But as you age, that isn’t always the case.
Your doctor will be able to talk you through medication options, or there’s the cock-ring which constricts the base of the penis to prevent blood flow out of its spongy erectile tissue.
At the other end of the scale, if a boner lasts more than four hours you can be headed to a dangerous condition called Priapism, so if the darn thing just won’t go down, seek medical help.
I am much more ‘up for it’ at certain times of the month and not so much at other times. What can I do to make myself up for it ALL the time?
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HW: Woah, slow down! It’s natural for a woman’s carnal desires to match her body clock and it sounds like yours is ticking with a perfect quartz movement.
Before, during and after ovulation you’ll be most frisky, but when you’re at your least fertile your hormone levels drop and sex seems less appealing. That’s the order of mother nature, but there are a few tricks to boost your libido .
If you want to feel sexier, eat a healthy diet, exercise and get plenty of daylight: it will help you to feel and look more radiant as well as boosting levels of happy biochemicals. Put effort into feeling sexier with regular showers, good grooming and slipping on sexy lingerie daily.
If you always feel ready for sex, you’re more likely to want it. You can also try a set of jiggle balls like the Fifty Shades Of Grey Delicious Pleasure set ( http://www.sarahsdelight.co.uk ).
Not only do they provide an excellent daily gynaecological workout with proven health benefits, they feel incredibly erotic to wear and are likely to heighten your desire to be intimate.
We’ve been together 10 years and have sex once a week at best – same position, five minutes: over. What can I do to change this?
RP: Introduce activities that are sensual but don’t end up with sex – kisses, hugs and cuddles. Massage can be a way of developing responsiveness that can start with a neck rub and over time develop into full-on erotic massage.
If the problem runs deeper, or he is resistant, address this directly. Could you talk about it, or go to a Relate sexual counsellor?
You’ve been together for a decade, so there’s a lot right – and taking time to move things your way should be a worthwhile investment.
My husband wants me to watch porn with him – I’m fine with the idea but I find the actual films crap and a big turn off, what can I do?
ED: Research! There’s porn out there of all different types. The Periodic Table of Feminist Porn offers a great list of non-traditional porn makers spanning everything from sensual love making to kinky sex and beyond – see www.feministpornguide.com/periodictable .
Erika Lust and Anna Span are just two producers who are making female/couple-focused porn, so you don’t need to be limited to ‘horny plumber’ clichés.
For tasteful amateur real sex, new site Make Love Not Porn – MLNP.tv – offers lots of sexy videos at $5 apiece – and you can add your own to earn money too!
I have a problem my female friends are jealous of, I come too easily! They joke I’m lucky, but is there anything I can do to slow down?
ED: There’s a myth that women all take ages to climax, but your problem is more common than you might think.
Using a numbing gel designed for premature ejaculation in men may help reduce sensation, as can avoiding sex positions that offer clitoral stimulation: such as rear entry or you on top facing his feet, aka The Reverse Cowgirl (unless it’s your G-spot that sets you off, in which case try standard woman on top instead).
However, if you can climax multiple times, you could just enjoy it: flexing your kegel muscles (the ones you use to hold a wee in) will help keep you tight after orgasm and if excessive wetness is an issue, it can always be wiped away.
My fella is obsessed with female ejaculation but I just can’t do it.
HW: Most women do not ‘shejaculate’. There’s speculation as to how and where women ejaculate from, but advice from those who can is G-spot stimulation.
Try specialist dildos like Tracey Cox’s Supersex Glass Dildo Set during foreplay to improve your chances. They’re designed with ergonomic angles, a heavy weight and graduating girths to target your G-spot.